Featured image: Żabka by Michael Garfield.
If interested, you may read about my 2nd and 1st Toad Medicine experience here.
I almost don’t know what to say about this 3rd experience with Toad Medicine. The shifts have been so profound for me since I partook in a series of four toad medicine ceremonies in July 2021. Instead of going deep into the details of the experiences themselves, I can share some of what has transpired since the ceremonies. I took the medicine with the abiding desire to know myself, deconstruct my ego tenancies that kept me spinning (I could see a lot of them, but was not sure how to deconstruct them) and be of service to humanity. I came into the ceremonies with a wholehearted willingness and commitment to surrender to what is.
These are some changes or shifts I have noticed since the ceremonies. It is ever ongoing, and I am still integrating. It has been about 10 days since the ceremonies (writing this on August 6, 2021).
- I found my center and I know what living in flow is. I know what it feels like to have Spirit’s innate power flowing through me. (You can read a bit more about this discovery here.) It is like being orchestrated without needing to “think” about anything. I am not consistent in staying in that state yet, but I am very aware when I pop out of it. It is a state where the ego (which we need) becomes the servant to the Spirt (higher self or whatever you want to call it). The ego/mind is no longer the master. When I go back into the “mind”, I feel like I am bat shit crazy and I know I am not so it behooves me to stay in the flow state. I know there is a reality (that is not this plane or dimension or hologram), where we are also residing.
- I hear people making excuses for why they cannot taking responsibility for their life and and I know they are just excuses. They don’t really want to take the responsibility so they blame the outside world or just tell themselves they cannot do something (when of course they can). I don’t have much patience for that anymore and realize it is not worth my energy to try to “convince” them. I want to spend my energy with people who have a deep commitment to improve their lives, live in unity, serve humanity and are sincere about getting and staying aligned. I still have the desire to invite others in (and then they can decide what to do) and walk beside them if they want to make a wholehearted choice for freedom and joy.
- The relationship between my husband and I opened up in a whole new way. (He also did the toad medicine once.) I no longer feel objectified and he no longer feels rejected. After this opening, that is the first time I really felt my innate freedom and power flow. It was almost as if I was released from something. After this opening, I played the Rolling Stones song, “I’m Free.” The lyrics are “I’m free to do what I want any old time….” That felt so true and for the first time in my life, I feel free to be me without giving a shit what anyone else thinks. There is less doubt of myself or concern about how others view me. I also don’t feel like I need to make anyone else happy.
- Certain types of mystical gifts seem to be opening up. I believe they are innate gifts that every human has, but the gateways have been closed through the ego mind, our own “rationality” and also our disbelief.
- I have always had a vivid imagination and sometimes I would get attached to what I wanted my future to be or what “I” wanted out of life. I had an experience where I was really able to give up the attachment to something I really, really wanted. Any gripping or attachment constricts the natural flow of life and keeps away the true Divine possibilities, which I think are even beyond our imagination, so I am excited to see what comes next. This releasing of attachment actually came after I had an energy medicine session with an advanced practitioner of Donna Eden’s Energy Medicine. I have been working with her for about four years now and she is a skilled healer and intuitive. She balanced my energies (which were unbalanced after the toad medicine) and as she moved a vertebrae in my neck, I started coughing and felt all the energy in my throat open up. She hooked up my heart electrics, removed toxins and did some other “energy medicine magic”. In the car on the way home, I cried my eyes out and then decided to release my attachment. I did and I have felt a peace and calm surrounding that topic since. There is no longer any “desperation” or “needing” anything. I accept and surrender to life exactly as it is right now.
- I feel like we are in a closed system (birth, death, rebirth) and it is a trap. We need to actually chose freedom and choose to step off the wheel of Samsara (see more about the initial realization we are in Samsara from the other blog article about my 2nd toad medicine experience). Please note, I am not sure this is exactly how it is, but it feels like life/death/rebirth is never-ending cycle and unless we wake up and consciously choose to step out, we just keep going in this closed-loop cycle/system. My best guess is that the process is something like this: We die and then go through “the tunnel” into the astral plane (of earth, part of the closed system or matrix). In the process we “judge” ourselves with what we did “wrong” or what we could do better, etc. There is not the density in the astral plane that there is in the physical plane, so things can be seen more clearly without the dense emotions and so we feel love and peace. Then we are “guided” to eventually reincarnate to “finish our business” here. The thing is, when we die, if we don’t choose to go through the “tunnel” and we choose to go directly to Spirit (the Light), then we can get out of the system. I still have some questions about “karma” and how that works, but I feel like there is one aspect of creation that wants humanity to remain enslaved in this system to provide something for them. Energy? Light? I don’t really know and I don’t understand, but I feel a certain knowingness that if we die consciously, we can choose differently.
- I have learned to breathe better. After the opening experience with my husband, I literally sat and breathed deeply for 10 minutes. It was as if a huge block was lifted off my chest and I could finally breathe deeply. The guide for the ceremonies, always emphasizes the breath. I still am learning what breath can do for a person, but it is definitely important in the process. When we breathe in, we are taking in the pure Life Force of creation. When we breathe out, I think we are releasing what is not needed. With constricted breath, we have constricted Life Force.
I am sure things will continue to unfold. Now, ten days after the ceremonies, I feel less energy pulsing through me, however, I still feel like my joints are loser, my skin clearer and there are some beautiful physical benefits as well. In the few days after the ceremony, some of the participants mentioned feeling some anxiety. I think it is from the ego getting deconstructed and it is trying to reconstruct itself and is causing some “fight, flight or freeze” within the nervous system. However, for the people I have talked to, that anxiety has subsided and they are seeing changes in perception and understanding of our third dimensional Earth experience as well. Thank you for reading. Feel free to contact me if you have questions. I probably won’t have any answers, but at least we can talk. You can contact me through the Home-Contact page at www.cosmicsoulhealing.com.
March 10th, 2022 – It has been about 9 months since my 3rd Toad Medicine experience. All still is true for me, however, the ego has continued to unravel and I am continuing to “unlearn” what I thought was right or correct. There really is only true or false. There is no right or wrong, as right or wrong is all just a matter of perception, but there is true and false. We (most of us anyway) have created our entire experience based on perception. The core foundation of most of those perceptions is that we are separate AND that we need to stay “separate” in order to maintain our individuality and uniqueness. This is false. We are such powerful creators that we have made an false identity for ourselves and call that “myself” and it has become our “reality” because we have that much creative power.
In the last 4 weeks or so I have had many reflections come up to show me what I still hold inside that is false. It seems like whatever is going on in one’s inner world is reflected in the external world. Here are just some things that have come up (all at the same time) after I have had a very quiet and peaceful life for quite a long time: I had a high maintenance long-term airbnb tenant move-in and we have had some conflicts; I had a family of rats in the house (and the airbnb guest got one); 3 of 5 of my family had Covid; I had a realization about a group that I belong to and my relationship to “leadership” and “teaching”, which caused some heartbreak (of course due to attachments); the concrete truck drivers have been on strike for over 3 months so my husband has not been working.
For me, that was a lot all at one time and it is quite obvious to me that it was pulling from deep within me things that I had not looked at or accepted yet. It was time to look at, accept, forgive (myself and others), and transmute that which I held separate from myself.
One of the most prominent qualities that I needed to look at was pride. Pride only comes up when there is an identification with the “self” that was made in separation. Pride leads to defensiveness, projection (on to others) and judgement (of self and others).
I seem to have discovered what “the path is narrow” may mean. It means that staying in alignment is the narrow path. Fall to one side and you enter the realm of being “right”, superior, judging others (projection), playing the perpetrator or holding feelings of pride. The other side of the path is not feeling “good” enough, not feeling seen or heard, and playing the victim. Falling to either side stems from powerlessness. You want to feel power and so you think you are powerful if you have “power over” ideas, people, etc., which really is the fear of being powerless (but in that fear, one is powerless of true power). The other side also stems from feeling powerless. You feel the victim and feel powerless, not good enough, etc. Both are two sides of the same coin, powerlessness.
The human condition of separation is powerlessness, no matter which side of the coin it falls on. The only way to have true power to create is through relationship and unity. We don’t even have access to our true potential until we access unity and can sustain unity. When that happens, we will create the world anew. Right now, for many, all the deep hidden stuff that we hold and that we deny in ourselves is coming up to the surface to be forgiven and accepted. We are going through a global purification and we must relinquish attachment to the separate self in order to live in sustained unity consciousness.
To bring this all back around to the 3rd Toad experience, the experience allowed me to feel what it was like to live as my true self, in unity with all, without the veils of ego. However, when the experience “wore off” it has been taking that experience and having the willingness to change and unlearn what patterns, perceptions and beliefs are holding the ego veil in place. To release fear and judgement, to forgive myself (and others) for everything, especially the choice to experience (and keep experiencing) separation. I choose anew to live in unity consciousness. Anything that is in the way of that, will come up to be forgiven, and it is all coming up, believe me.
With Love, Krisanne Heinze